Lose your dreams & you will lose your mind

I'm going into some heavy, real talk here. It includes angst and emotions. You've been warned.

Yesterday, i bought a suit for my interview. First, I grabbed the size I assumed I'd be but when I tried it on, I found I was a size smaller. That's always a good feeling. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. It was like a costume. I have a whole ensemble now: suit, blouse, shoes and portfolio clutch bag thing. I look professional so I think that will help make me feel more confident. While on the job search, I've been collecting advice from people, sometimes asked for and sometimes not. I feel like it's important to listen to everyone's opinions and glean from the pile what I find relates to me and is useful. I might be looking at this the wrong way but it seems that being successful all boils down to being someone I’m not, pretending I care about things I hate and lying to everyone’s face but this is all fine because I should just think of it all as a big game I'm trying to win. Great. The problem is I'm not competitive. Ideally, I want everyone to win or at least feel like they're winning. I know how bad it feels to lose. I guess at this point in my life I'm ok with 'playing the game' a little, mostly because I need to get some money together and move out of my parent's apartment. I'm still at the point where I'm trying to figure out exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life. It has been my dream for a long time now to get paid to be a writer (in some form or another). A few minutes ago, my father was just dispensing some golden nuggets of working wisdom. I was listening but also saying that although I will do or say the things he suggested, none of it is authentic. Of course, I have to act and make people believe that it is. This led to an attack on all I hold dear. He said I might as well go get my birkenstocks and take up pottery for a living. To sum up, he told me while it would be nice if someone paid me to write stories, that is (here I interjected 'not going to happen now, I know' but he added:) never, ever going to happen because no one reads anymore and if they do it's garbage celebrity gossip or crap on the internet. In feeble defense I said that people do read, just look around on the subway. I mean even I was surprised to see the amount of books there. To undercut yet again, he said yes but I only think that because we live in New York City, people in middle america don't read. Sigh. I really don't know anymore. It's so hard defending this dream to myself half the time that having some one who is supposed to be supporting you tell you that what you truly want in life is impossible really hits straight to the heart. I'm insecure enough about my ability as a writer that hearing it's completely unattainable hurts a lot. Living here has been a battle of trying to stay optimistic and hopeful in a total negative environment. My parents can hide it will in front of family and friends but they are completely and deeply miserable majority of the time. I feel I've evolved over the past few years but I understand how I slipped so easily into deep depression during high school. Now, I think I'm sort of having a existential crisis in a way. Is this all there is? I really need to move far, far away from here.

All good things come

I've been pretty busy & not really in a blog writing mood. Lots of awesome stuff has been happening so I figure I'll write a little about it. Friday, I went to Urban Outifitters and bought part 1 of my halloween costume which was only like $6. The place is sort of frightening because they are so on target with their demographic. I guess I could be considered a part of that but I just felt like I shouldn't give in to it. I did see a coat that I'd like for the winter. Sigh consumerism. I met up with my cousin Trish and went to her apartment in fabulous New Jersey. It's in Hoboken, so it's not like jersey-jersey...whatever that means. Our night consisted of a failed attempt at making pizza dough, several 'pineapple upside down' cocktails, Indian take-out and conversation over television. If it sounds glamorous and wonderful it's because it was. The next afternoon, I got a text from Ashley, who was in the city for the day. I had to go in to get home so we met up, walked around a ton and had a meal. I love that girl so much. It was great to see her and laugh for hours. The past couple days have included mounting excitement about the upcoming Office wedding (you would think I knew Jim & Pam personally), finishing a song & starting a new one (even though my fingers are super sore, when inspiration hits you just have to ride it out), starting 'Life of Pi' (love it so far) and going to the library to get a bunch more books even though I already have a ton I haven't read and last but not least, getting a call about an interview for a REAL job next week! I have to study up and buy a business suit so I don't look like a dummy. Just think, I could be a productive member of society soon!

Things I Love Thursday

(also known as TiLT)
This a little weekly gratitude list that Gala Darling does on her site and I've seen other bloggers around the internet do it as well. It's fun...I'd love to see yours!

Here are a few things I've been digging:
-Starting up blogging again! Yay!
-My new room arrangement & getting my clothing rack to be functional again
-The added chill factor in the weather (Finally hoodie temperature! It's my favorite)
-Finishing the 800 page+ 'The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'
-Finding a site with links to a million tv shows (caught up on lots of How I Met Your Mother)
-Inspiration coming from nowhere
-Jim & Pam's wedding on the Office tonight!!!!
-Having plans and meeting new people (or getting to know people better)
-Having a cousin sleepover tomorrow!
-The fact that it's October (such a good month)
-Re-watching 'Freaks & Geeks' on dvd after forgetting how obsessed I was when it was first on ten years ago. I actually know what they're talking about now...sex and drugs haha.
-Having massive amounts of quality new music
-Conspiracy theories
-Paranormal investigations and how badly my dad wants the show "Ghost Hunters" to be true. The stupidest things freak me out but I love it. I was paralyzed with fear the other night because I thought there might've been a ghost in my room. I'm scared of everything but it's kinda fun that way haha.
-When strangers (that aren't creepy ones) talk to me
-Waking up to texts from friends
-Having notebooks in varying sizes and a pen at arms reach at all times
-Crazy dreams. I had a dream last night I had hair kinda like the picture on top. It was actually an accident but still rad. But even in my dream, I was worried that my hair would ruin my job search.

What have you loved about this week?

I only see the good times & never the bad. It all seemed so peaceful and I guess that it was.

Last night, I decided to venture downtown solo. I went to a free show at Parkside Lounge (strange set-up there, took a few minutes to find the hidden stage) featuring Mike Lovesick & The Sheepdogs. Mike is a fellow Oneonta alum, one of the many talented folks to come out of the music industry program. I've been listening to his stuff for awhile now and after seeing him play live for the first time two summers ago, I try my best to get out to his shows whenever possible. His voice is reminiscent of Chris Martin of Coldplay but his style is more folk & blues. When listening to his EP, the influence of Dylan, Bruce Springsteen and Tom Waits is evident. I've only seen him solo but he has had two different bands in the past. He played a new-ish song "Brightest Room in the House", which he told me he felt was missing something without some group participation. I think despite being a somewhat reserved guy in person, he can definitely hold his own on stage.

Walter at the Pearly Gates is just one of those hauntingly beautiful songs.

After his set, The Sheepdogs from Canada were up. A guy came out of nowhere and started talking to me about the band, asking if I'd heard them, what I'd thought, etc. He'd just heard them for the first time today at work but was excited to find out they happened to be playing in the city that night. It must have been his lucky night because the waitress came by with a free hot dog for him as well. Suddenly I felt like I was in 1975, which is never ever a bad thing. Despite being from way, way up north, they rocked out in true southern rock style. During the set, the guitarist broke a string, jumped off stage searching feverishly for another guitar, ran around wildly for a few seconds then jumped back on stage and shredded. It was pretty epic. Mike told me they were working with Dr. Dog's producer...or something to that effect. It was the end of the night, what can I say.

Another soul is saved with your bogus medications

Dr. Colbert (M.F.A haha) discussing the power of the Placebo Effect and he reports that placebos are getting more effective. But of course, it's all because of the sugar.

It may come as a surprise but I love science. I always have been fascinated by what humans have figured out thus far about ourselves and this wild universe we're in. Leave it to the education system to nearly squash my curiosity and interest with science fairs. Acquiring knowledge by experimentation shouldn't be a competition. In 7th grade, somehow I came up with a wonderful idea for an experiment that didn't involve months of growing plants or nearly shocking myself with electricity. I was a procrastinator and this project wouldn't involve much time or work at all. It was absolutely genius. On a very small level, I would try to teach my peers about the Placebo effect. This commonly used medical procedure seemed unbelievable to me at the time. I could never have known then it would still amaze me now. Patients were secretly split into two groups (in Scientific Method language: 'control' & 'variable' :shiver:), one group receiving the real drug and the other given a sugar pill. Because the patient completely believes that the pill he/she is given will make them better, even if it is a sugar pill, his/her condition often improves. This is the Placebo effect. Crazy stuff, if you really think about it. At 12 years old, I tried it out by giving 2nd graders granola bars, slightly less scientific I know. I timed each one running from one point to another. I talked up my 'energy' bars and told them once they ate them, their speed would increase. I can't remember but I think a few times did go down. I'm not the best sales person though so even at 7, the 2nd graders may have seen through me. Anyway, I made a colorful board with bar graphs, did a presentation and got an average grade, which has always been good enough for me as long as I learned something.
The power of thought is a subject that has continued to captivate me. My cousin Jenny has absolutely transformed her entire life by changing the way she thinks. For many, this is really hard to wrap your mind around. I've known her since she began dating my cousin (now her husband) Ray over ten years ago so I've seen her story unfold. I remember hearing about her being sick often, which would make me sad because she'd miss family gatherings or we'd have to cancel visits. She was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, an incredibly painful disease, on top of raising two children. Three years ago, everything changed. She is no longer on medicine for her illness, feels no effects of it and has totally healed her life. Jenny has become a whole new person. It's amazing! I'd find it hard to believe it if I hadn't known her. She has a very popular blog on the subject and I wouldn't be surprised to see her on television or the best-sellers list one day!
I've been doing a lot of research on this phenomenon. With the popularity of 'The Secret', there are many websites, book and programs out there about it. I recently watched a PBS special called "Excuses Begone!", a lecture by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I've read "The Power of Intention" (SO GOOD) and if you are at all interested in strength that lies within your thoughts and beliefs, I highly suggest checking it out. He mentioned an experiment that involved a placebo affect in knee surgery. One group got knee surgery, the other got scars but no surgery and they all improved! Here's a video about it.


I know this all may sound new age-y or too 'out there' to be true (my father's voice that needs to be removed from my head) but what's the harm in investigating a little? Maybe this is all really obvious to you, in that case, awesome! You've already found "the secret". Personally, I've been battling negative thoughts for a long time now. I'm not sure why it seems right or safer to be skeptical and cynical about things but you only end up miserable. I haven't reached the place of the enlightenment and my ego is still alive and kicking but life is journey and each passing moment is another chance to turn it around.

'When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change'.
-Dr. Wayne Dyer

Is there anybody out there?

I've only posted two entries but I was looking for some feedback from anyone reading. What do you enjoy? What are you not feeling? Any topics you'd like me to cover? I love to write so throw me a subject and I'll tackle it but try not to fumble (oh man football metaphor...who's proud?). Seriously...anything.
In a somewhat related side-note, a story idea has been swimming around in my brain for awhile but it didn't really coagulate until tonight. The current sources of inspiration include Coraline & Stardust (Neil Gaiman is a genius), A Midsummer Night's Dream, the concept of possible worlds (one of my personal metaphysical favorites...recently discussed on Eddie's blog) a little Alice in Wonderland, even less Into the Wild and of course several real-life (at least I think they actually happened...) events of Moe.Down X. I'm going to start writing it first thing tomorrow because I'm busy tonight. While I'm working on it, should I put up some of it on my blog? Oh Domo, domo arigato Mr. Roboto. In my gratitude, you will be immortalized in fiction.

There is nothing as lucky, as easy or free

I can't exactly pinpoint when my perception of crying changed most recently because it's shifted so many times throughout my (and everyone else's) life. A baby usually wails through the first moments of life, after leaving the dark, warm, comfortable place it occupied for 9 months or so to a world blindingly bright, cold and sterile. Adjusting, he or she must unconsciously struggle to fill the lungs with air to get oxygen in and figure out what exactly is going on, a process much simpler while in the womb. First lesson on Earth: bawling demands attention. Even if only to maintain sanity, no hearing human being can sit through an infant's ear-splitting howls without seeking a way to just make it stop. It is the only real method of communication at this point. Soon the child learns to speak and motives begin to change. Powerfully sobbing tells others you fell off your bike or you really wanted the giant, bouncing ball in the store. It's learned quickly that tears don't always happen spontaneously but you can also stop or start at will. This is especially helpful to get siblings in trouble. The early years of schooling teach that gender plays a part in this display of feeling. Girls can cry because they are considered fragile, emotional and weaker. Boys crying in public is an invitation for laughter and name-calling from fellow males. Of course this varies depending on different cultures and the way parents raise children.
When I was 13, my Nana died. I was alone because I'd stayed home "sick" from school that day with mysterious (but hardly rare) stomach discomfort. My mom had called to tell me and I can't remember what my initial reaction was but I didn't cry. I thought well, that must've been the reason the day felt different. Even though she was 85 and had been in hospital for two weeks, I was genuinely surprised. To me, that situation meant nothing because every breath she had taken stemmed from endurance. Having been given last rites multiple times (including once when my dad was about 7), her spirit had seemed more powerful than death. I felt guilt for not crying. By this age, I had been conditioned to shut out emotions and push them elsewhere in an attempt to avoid the pain. Tears only meant crueler taunting or feeling embarrassment for showing vulnerability. I wasn't male but I wasn't delicate. Her wake was the first and only time I'd seen my father, and possibly any man, cry. My whole world had changed in that moment. With this abrupt disruption and her open casket in view, I bawled hard but as silently as possible, hiding my face in my father's dark suit. During times that crying would be socially accepted and even expected, I wouldn't or couldn't. My mother would cry during episodes of 'Touched By an Angel' or during yet another reading the story of the birthday balloon (now I guess I'll have to tell that one here soon). Something in me wasn't going to allow it.
Maybe after living with Taryn for so many years, that something broke down in me. A few years ago, on a day that I had to be certain all my emotions were in order, she found me blubbering in our living room while watching an Avril Lavigne video. Now, my eyes could water during an emotional point in a film, seeing something exceptionally beautiful or when hearing a heart-wrenching story. Normally, I'm not overcome when I'm sad but when I'm frustrated or feeling trapped by an adverse situation. I feel the emotion run through and come over me, energy that can only be sensed but not analyzed or perceived. I still don't cry very often. But when I do, I know that something powerful has gripped me that I can't just explain or reason away. It must be meaningful when it has been transmitted through that most inherent of communications. I suppose it still is embarrassing, depending on the circumstances but I've no choice but to accept it.