Things I Love Thursday

John Mayer's Battle studies, Eggnog & not having a cold anymore.


happy, happy, happy life.

Things I Love Thursday

-living in Stony Brook. I never thought I'd like living on Long Island but so far, so good.
-Steven Colbert & Maria Shriver having an ice cream eat-off. She seemed kind of bitchy but it was awesome regardless.
-finding somewhere to watch Boy Meets World online!
-Noonan forcing me to drive. I am learning to hate it less. Today, I drove myself back after dropping her off at the airport. I got a little lost and somehow ended up on Cleary Rd. Weird. The good thing about getting lost is it's just more driving practice. Thankfully GPS means you can't get too lost.
-Working out again. It's been awhile and I can feel it. Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and Winsor Pilates are amazing.
-Finishing a bio of Jim Morrison. It was a little strangely written but entertaining and insightful into his life.
-Grocery shopping. I really love it.
-Red Lobster's warm chocolate chip lava cookie. It's intense.
-doing laundry, well having clean clothes mostly.
-JEFE
-Listening to Joan and feeling compelled to take notes
-carly possibly coming to NY for my birthday!!!

What do you love?

Things I Love Thursday

Is this all I post now? Well I suppose that's alright. This Thursday I am loving a whole lot.
-Halloween weekend- running into everyone I wanted to see, meeting one of the new residents of 12 Ivy & spending some time back on the porch, Cassie's costume (also Dorothy's), making new friends by asking them to fix the strings on my guitar costume, telling Dean he is one of the few people I would like to spend the apocalypse with, 'paper towels are like money', 'DSL', 'but why...I'm such a DORK', Apples & cider, apples & cider, apples & cider at the FLY CREEK CIDER MILL (greatest place on Earth or at least Cooperstown), drinking Obamagang at the Ommegang brewery with the puppeteer tour guide ('that explains the hands'), 10 hours of karaoke aka our drive there and back, watching 'The Proposal' and 'Dan in Real Life' at Cassie's, the OST!, and much much more that has slipped my mind at the moment.
-Moving out!- that's right. Sunday, I'm taking myself & the majority of my belongings and moving into Noonan's apartment. Rent free. Thanks Stony Brook University. I'm really really really happy about it.
-Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle- I'm almost done and I'm obsessed. I love Vonnegut so I don't know if I can say if this is my favorite of his books but it's definitely up there.
"Tiger got to hunt,
Bird got to fly;
Man got to sit and wonder, 'Why, why, why?'
Tiger got to sleep,
Bird got to land;
Man got to tell himself he understand"
'The Books of Bokonon'
(this should explain my change in 'religious beliefs' on facebook, if anyone was wondering)
-Seeing my cousins this Saturday- I miss em.
-The World Series being over- I didn't care who won but I am just really glad it's finished.

What are you guys loving?

Things I Love Thursday

Hellllloooo everyone! (all 4 of you that read this)
Here's what I am loving this Thursday:
-finally deciding on & finishing my halloween costume. I'm so Martha Stewart sometimes.
-my new haircut. It's nothing too different but I am so happy to have gotten it shaped up.
-seeing Nick for a few hours last Saturday. 2 fers at Chili's, driving around blasting music, watching him worship his new Sufjan Stevens vinyl.
-being on the barricade @ Sound Tribe Sector 9 with Ryan. Such a good show. Lots of drinks, dancing, jamming, lights, and dancing like crazy. I think my favorite part was giving up our spot to get drinks and feeling like we would never get back but I danced my way through the crowd and right back to where we were. Best.
-talking to miss megan dorak a ton anddd I get to see her this weekend. Cannot wait.
-seeing 'cloudy with a chance of meatballs' in 3D with Jared. It was the cost of a steak dinner, a certain mutual friend of ours wouldn't get out of the movie and I think Jared cried, he definitely clapped at parts. Overall, quality film. It did make me hungry.
-talking about moving in with Kelly. It would really be the happiest thing of my life ever. We decided it would be impossible for either of us to be sad ever again. We're both broke which is the only problem right now.
-running into a friend from high school while walking home. We were both so surprised that our conversation didn't really go past 'oh hi'. We've been talking online though and she is the best because she helped me find something that I've been looking for since I got home : )
-ONEONTA HALLOWEEN. I'm pretty excited for this weekend.

Friends I Love Friday

I didn't do a 'Things I Love Thursday' this week...how sad. Dean did one thought which made me so happy! I don't know, I guess I've been feeling a little bit like I don't have so much to be thankful for at the moment. It's totally all in my head because I'm really lucky even if everything isn't working out exactly how I want it to right now. I have to stop wanting to control everything. I decided since I didn't post yesterday that I'd make up for it by inventing 'Friends I Love Friday'. I haven't always had people in my life that are loyal and that I can completely trust (or trust at all), are there to make me smile & laugh when I need it most, are always down for adventures and have basically the same interests that I do. Sometimes I think they're more like family than my crazy blood relatives.
SO here's a list of some of my favorite people in my life at the moment:
-Dean: he did a TiLT this week (so he gets the top spot), called me out of the blue to yell at me for no having a twitter anymore which led to hanging out with him an hour later, listened & critiqued my reading aloud of 'Where the Wild Things are' (which I did so he would go see the movie since he said he wanted to the read the book first) while we sat at a kiddie sized picnic table in B&N, might be going to Oneonta for halloween (I might also being going too), and just has that magical ability to crack me up when I might be taking myself a little too seriously.
-Noonan: she once again worked on her taxi therapist skills while driving me all around NY state listening to me attempt to solve a few life problems out loud, told me about her Saturday night & I cried laughing at the pure absurdity, fell asleep at the bar on Friday (then the next day, victoriously found her/our lost cellphone hidden in the chair she was in), played awesome songs on a playlist that I've since downloaded, and brought me to Rock Da Pasta in New Paltz, which could possibly be the greatest restaurant ever. I had a James Brownie for desert which was a brownie with cookie dough swirled in it with ice cream & caramel on top. YEA.
-Eddie: he just let me know he has a Phish ticket for me (I was refreshing & stuck in a 'virtual waiting room' this afternoon to no avail), can communicate with me half the time just using our minds because we randomly read each other's thoughts (totally normal), was as super excited to see Where the Wild Things Are as I was so instead of being lame and seeing it alone I saw it with friends, was winning the game of Life by lagging behind the rest of us as a Athlete (he decided snowboarder) who made no money and lived in Kelly's basement but is kicking ass and coming out ahead in real life, and bringing us to Perfect Blend (a really yummy coffee place walking distance from his house).
-Taryn: she's my free psychiatrist, cries more & harder than I do (in movies specifically) so in comparison I'm doing ok, always gets Bombers with me when I visit, more & more frequently agrees with me about the attractiveness of certain males (I love you, men of Albany. you are so fine), has so much stuff from our old apartment in her new one that it reminds me of home, and is my best friend. I love her despite her occasional temper tantrums because I lived with her for 3 years and know how to deal with them & wait them out. She's the effin best.
-Kelly: she does yoga headstands with me, loves the Office and Bare Minerals as much as (or maybe even more than) I do, quotes movies all the time even when no one else will get it, brought us to this cool store & I wanted to buy everything, let me borrow pants to sleep in that I never thought would actually fit but then they did, and is my baby girl. I love her like a sista.
-Tooker & Hannah: They made me a bed between the dog crate & their bed so I escaped the madness of the living room and had a air mattress that didn't deflate. I was confused at first then just laid there under tons of covers SO grateful. They also washed a blanket of mine and it smells really good now.
-Ed: He kept saying I was so skinny & asked if I ever ate. The best part is he is like 85 pounds. A good way into my heart is to tell me I'm thin haha so good job Edward.
-Ryan: He got free tickets to STS9 tonight so I'm going with him. So excited!

That's all for now. I love all my friends but these were the special ones that stood out this week. Maybe I'll make this a weekly tradition too.

Things I Love Thursday

Passion Pit in Chicago
This week I've loved:
-getting Passion Pit tickets for kelly & me before the show sold out. Eddie got one too. Super excited but now I play the waiting game until January.
-discovering Glee. It's high school soap-y and all sorts of corny but I'm a sucker for musical numbers and covers. What can I say, all I really want in life is for it to be a musical. Look it up on Hulu if you'd like to check it out.
-attempting to play my songs for eddie via gchat & laughing a whole lot. I really need to get over my paralyzing fear of playing guitar/singing in front of people. Video chat is the coolest though.
-KEITH DRINKWINE'S NEW SONG : ) The man's talented.
-my mash-up song that's in the works. I'll tell you more when I actually figure out how I want it.
-being alone for days. It's a blessing and a curse. My parents are on vacation this week in the Rochester area. Our best relationship is always over the phone. They are in high spirits, drinking a lot and buying me things. My problem is I can't be on my own for long periods of time but my cat and a bottle of Barefoot wine has been decent company. Seriously though, I don't understand how people live alone. I never will.
-my phone browser. It's saved my life a few times.
-how well my interview went despite crazy circumstances. I was almost having a panic attack about 5 minutes prior but managed to pull it together. I think it went well. I really hope I get it because the company & people seem really great.
-maine flashbacks. The other night I got to thinking about our crazy midnight bike excursions to play on the highway and I got all nostalgic. Oh the many times I could've died just following those boys around.
-Meredith Vieira stalking me. I mean she has like two television shows (idk maybe more), yet I see her way too often. First time, we saw 'Taking Woodstock" together. She was probably as ripped as her jeans because she had this huge smile on her face on the line to go in. Then after my interview, I was wandering around Rockefeller Plaza taking to Dean and there was again, strolling down the street. It's pretty weird. I'm going to take seeing her as a sign that I'm on the right track. I don't know why, I just feel like it can't be a bad sign. I do kind of wish I was being stalked by Barbara Walters instead.
-plans for the weekend. Because I cannot stay in this apartment any longer without some human contact, I've decided to road trip up to the capital region with Noonan. I will get to see a bunch of people I love and I'm sure good times will be had (& documented by Noonan of course). I am taking half of my parent's liquor cabinet and making sandwiches to stay within my limited budget, making it kind of like a game.
Life is gooooood, friends, very good.

Things I Love Thursday

This week, I'm into:
-watching documentaries. Last night I watched 'Ballerina' & today, '*Bigger, faster, stronger' *The side effect of being American. I didn't even mean for it to happen that way but it turned out to be like a Gender Comm class. I could honestly write full posts about both them, they were that good. I just might. Both are available instantly if you have Netflix. Highly suggest, even if you think you aren't interested in steroids or ballet because they really aren't even about that.
-getting an interview. I'm almost enjoying doing all the preparation. I knew that Acting class would come in handy because I'm basically learning lines and trying to make them sound natural.
-looking real professional in a suit. I feel like a million bucks with it on. The total cost was way less than that but still, it's crazy expensive to look important. Who would've thought, this time last year I was putting on a similar getup but it was a halloween costume. Geez.
-looking forward to my parents' week-long vacation. A free place to myself. Oh happy day(s).
-having dinner with my cousin a few nights ago. I was a little nervous because it was a burger place but they had an awesome falafel-type burger. Also spiked milkshakes! Vanilla stoli, vanilla ice cream & oreos = heaven with a slightly upset tummy (worth it).
-running into three people randomly in one day. Really weird but I guess it's a sign I'm on the right path. Bumping into someone from college then someone from high school and then Jared while in the subway all in one day is a pretty weird coincidence.
-buying a new jacket. Yea Urban Outfitters got me after they advertised 30% off outerwear. It's becoming a new rule of mine to buy used as much as possible and never, ever pay full price. Look how awesome it is:

-brushing my teeth to this crazy song Nick told me about. It's mostly one note over and over again but it got me doing the 'washing machine' in my bathroom with toothbrush in hand.
-JIM & PAM'S WEDDING TONIGHT. I had a dream last night that I was at the wedding. Too emotionally involved? Yea just a tad, considering they're television characters. Will I bawl? Highly likely considering the above promo made me cry. YUP.
-getting serious callouses on my fingers from playing guitar a ton. The tips hurt even as I type this. I now understand the phrase 'hurts so good'.
-deleting my twitter. It was for the best. A few nights ago, I got crazy paranoid about how much information there is about me on the internet and I'm the one putting it out there. No one mentioned it so I guess no one noticed. It's a pretty stupid form of social networking anyway.

What are you guys loving this fine Thursday?

Lose your dreams & you will lose your mind

I'm going into some heavy, real talk here. It includes angst and emotions. You've been warned.

Yesterday, i bought a suit for my interview. First, I grabbed the size I assumed I'd be but when I tried it on, I found I was a size smaller. That's always a good feeling. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. It was like a costume. I have a whole ensemble now: suit, blouse, shoes and portfolio clutch bag thing. I look professional so I think that will help make me feel more confident. While on the job search, I've been collecting advice from people, sometimes asked for and sometimes not. I feel like it's important to listen to everyone's opinions and glean from the pile what I find relates to me and is useful. I might be looking at this the wrong way but it seems that being successful all boils down to being someone I’m not, pretending I care about things I hate and lying to everyone’s face but this is all fine because I should just think of it all as a big game I'm trying to win. Great. The problem is I'm not competitive. Ideally, I want everyone to win or at least feel like they're winning. I know how bad it feels to lose. I guess at this point in my life I'm ok with 'playing the game' a little, mostly because I need to get some money together and move out of my parent's apartment. I'm still at the point where I'm trying to figure out exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life. It has been my dream for a long time now to get paid to be a writer (in some form or another). A few minutes ago, my father was just dispensing some golden nuggets of working wisdom. I was listening but also saying that although I will do or say the things he suggested, none of it is authentic. Of course, I have to act and make people believe that it is. This led to an attack on all I hold dear. He said I might as well go get my birkenstocks and take up pottery for a living. To sum up, he told me while it would be nice if someone paid me to write stories, that is (here I interjected 'not going to happen now, I know' but he added:) never, ever going to happen because no one reads anymore and if they do it's garbage celebrity gossip or crap on the internet. In feeble defense I said that people do read, just look around on the subway. I mean even I was surprised to see the amount of books there. To undercut yet again, he said yes but I only think that because we live in New York City, people in middle america don't read. Sigh. I really don't know anymore. It's so hard defending this dream to myself half the time that having some one who is supposed to be supporting you tell you that what you truly want in life is impossible really hits straight to the heart. I'm insecure enough about my ability as a writer that hearing it's completely unattainable hurts a lot. Living here has been a battle of trying to stay optimistic and hopeful in a total negative environment. My parents can hide it will in front of family and friends but they are completely and deeply miserable majority of the time. I feel I've evolved over the past few years but I understand how I slipped so easily into deep depression during high school. Now, I think I'm sort of having a existential crisis in a way. Is this all there is? I really need to move far, far away from here.

All good things come

I've been pretty busy & not really in a blog writing mood. Lots of awesome stuff has been happening so I figure I'll write a little about it. Friday, I went to Urban Outifitters and bought part 1 of my halloween costume which was only like $6. The place is sort of frightening because they are so on target with their demographic. I guess I could be considered a part of that but I just felt like I shouldn't give in to it. I did see a coat that I'd like for the winter. Sigh consumerism. I met up with my cousin Trish and went to her apartment in fabulous New Jersey. It's in Hoboken, so it's not like jersey-jersey...whatever that means. Our night consisted of a failed attempt at making pizza dough, several 'pineapple upside down' cocktails, Indian take-out and conversation over television. If it sounds glamorous and wonderful it's because it was. The next afternoon, I got a text from Ashley, who was in the city for the day. I had to go in to get home so we met up, walked around a ton and had a meal. I love that girl so much. It was great to see her and laugh for hours. The past couple days have included mounting excitement about the upcoming Office wedding (you would think I knew Jim & Pam personally), finishing a song & starting a new one (even though my fingers are super sore, when inspiration hits you just have to ride it out), starting 'Life of Pi' (love it so far) and going to the library to get a bunch more books even though I already have a ton I haven't read and last but not least, getting a call about an interview for a REAL job next week! I have to study up and buy a business suit so I don't look like a dummy. Just think, I could be a productive member of society soon!

Things I Love Thursday

(also known as TiLT)
This a little weekly gratitude list that Gala Darling does on her site and I've seen other bloggers around the internet do it as well. It's fun...I'd love to see yours!

Here are a few things I've been digging:
-Starting up blogging again! Yay!
-My new room arrangement & getting my clothing rack to be functional again
-The added chill factor in the weather (Finally hoodie temperature! It's my favorite)
-Finishing the 800 page+ 'The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'
-Finding a site with links to a million tv shows (caught up on lots of How I Met Your Mother)
-Inspiration coming from nowhere
-Jim & Pam's wedding on the Office tonight!!!!
-Having plans and meeting new people (or getting to know people better)
-Having a cousin sleepover tomorrow!
-The fact that it's October (such a good month)
-Re-watching 'Freaks & Geeks' on dvd after forgetting how obsessed I was when it was first on ten years ago. I actually know what they're talking about now...sex and drugs haha.
-Having massive amounts of quality new music
-Conspiracy theories
-Paranormal investigations and how badly my dad wants the show "Ghost Hunters" to be true. The stupidest things freak me out but I love it. I was paralyzed with fear the other night because I thought there might've been a ghost in my room. I'm scared of everything but it's kinda fun that way haha.
-When strangers (that aren't creepy ones) talk to me
-Waking up to texts from friends
-Having notebooks in varying sizes and a pen at arms reach at all times
-Crazy dreams. I had a dream last night I had hair kinda like the picture on top. It was actually an accident but still rad. But even in my dream, I was worried that my hair would ruin my job search.

What have you loved about this week?

I only see the good times & never the bad. It all seemed so peaceful and I guess that it was.

Last night, I decided to venture downtown solo. I went to a free show at Parkside Lounge (strange set-up there, took a few minutes to find the hidden stage) featuring Mike Lovesick & The Sheepdogs. Mike is a fellow Oneonta alum, one of the many talented folks to come out of the music industry program. I've been listening to his stuff for awhile now and after seeing him play live for the first time two summers ago, I try my best to get out to his shows whenever possible. His voice is reminiscent of Chris Martin of Coldplay but his style is more folk & blues. When listening to his EP, the influence of Dylan, Bruce Springsteen and Tom Waits is evident. I've only seen him solo but he has had two different bands in the past. He played a new-ish song "Brightest Room in the House", which he told me he felt was missing something without some group participation. I think despite being a somewhat reserved guy in person, he can definitely hold his own on stage.

Walter at the Pearly Gates is just one of those hauntingly beautiful songs.

After his set, The Sheepdogs from Canada were up. A guy came out of nowhere and started talking to me about the band, asking if I'd heard them, what I'd thought, etc. He'd just heard them for the first time today at work but was excited to find out they happened to be playing in the city that night. It must have been his lucky night because the waitress came by with a free hot dog for him as well. Suddenly I felt like I was in 1975, which is never ever a bad thing. Despite being from way, way up north, they rocked out in true southern rock style. During the set, the guitarist broke a string, jumped off stage searching feverishly for another guitar, ran around wildly for a few seconds then jumped back on stage and shredded. It was pretty epic. Mike told me they were working with Dr. Dog's producer...or something to that effect. It was the end of the night, what can I say.

Another soul is saved with your bogus medications

Dr. Colbert (M.F.A haha) discussing the power of the Placebo Effect and he reports that placebos are getting more effective. But of course, it's all because of the sugar.

It may come as a surprise but I love science. I always have been fascinated by what humans have figured out thus far about ourselves and this wild universe we're in. Leave it to the education system to nearly squash my curiosity and interest with science fairs. Acquiring knowledge by experimentation shouldn't be a competition. In 7th grade, somehow I came up with a wonderful idea for an experiment that didn't involve months of growing plants or nearly shocking myself with electricity. I was a procrastinator and this project wouldn't involve much time or work at all. It was absolutely genius. On a very small level, I would try to teach my peers about the Placebo effect. This commonly used medical procedure seemed unbelievable to me at the time. I could never have known then it would still amaze me now. Patients were secretly split into two groups (in Scientific Method language: 'control' & 'variable' :shiver:), one group receiving the real drug and the other given a sugar pill. Because the patient completely believes that the pill he/she is given will make them better, even if it is a sugar pill, his/her condition often improves. This is the Placebo effect. Crazy stuff, if you really think about it. At 12 years old, I tried it out by giving 2nd graders granola bars, slightly less scientific I know. I timed each one running from one point to another. I talked up my 'energy' bars and told them once they ate them, their speed would increase. I can't remember but I think a few times did go down. I'm not the best sales person though so even at 7, the 2nd graders may have seen through me. Anyway, I made a colorful board with bar graphs, did a presentation and got an average grade, which has always been good enough for me as long as I learned something.
The power of thought is a subject that has continued to captivate me. My cousin Jenny has absolutely transformed her entire life by changing the way she thinks. For many, this is really hard to wrap your mind around. I've known her since she began dating my cousin (now her husband) Ray over ten years ago so I've seen her story unfold. I remember hearing about her being sick often, which would make me sad because she'd miss family gatherings or we'd have to cancel visits. She was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, an incredibly painful disease, on top of raising two children. Three years ago, everything changed. She is no longer on medicine for her illness, feels no effects of it and has totally healed her life. Jenny has become a whole new person. It's amazing! I'd find it hard to believe it if I hadn't known her. She has a very popular blog on the subject and I wouldn't be surprised to see her on television or the best-sellers list one day!
I've been doing a lot of research on this phenomenon. With the popularity of 'The Secret', there are many websites, book and programs out there about it. I recently watched a PBS special called "Excuses Begone!", a lecture by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I've read "The Power of Intention" (SO GOOD) and if you are at all interested in strength that lies within your thoughts and beliefs, I highly suggest checking it out. He mentioned an experiment that involved a placebo affect in knee surgery. One group got knee surgery, the other got scars but no surgery and they all improved! Here's a video about it.


I know this all may sound new age-y or too 'out there' to be true (my father's voice that needs to be removed from my head) but what's the harm in investigating a little? Maybe this is all really obvious to you, in that case, awesome! You've already found "the secret". Personally, I've been battling negative thoughts for a long time now. I'm not sure why it seems right or safer to be skeptical and cynical about things but you only end up miserable. I haven't reached the place of the enlightenment and my ego is still alive and kicking but life is journey and each passing moment is another chance to turn it around.

'When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change'.
-Dr. Wayne Dyer

Is there anybody out there?

I've only posted two entries but I was looking for some feedback from anyone reading. What do you enjoy? What are you not feeling? Any topics you'd like me to cover? I love to write so throw me a subject and I'll tackle it but try not to fumble (oh man football metaphor...who's proud?). Seriously...anything.
In a somewhat related side-note, a story idea has been swimming around in my brain for awhile but it didn't really coagulate until tonight. The current sources of inspiration include Coraline & Stardust (Neil Gaiman is a genius), A Midsummer Night's Dream, the concept of possible worlds (one of my personal metaphysical favorites...recently discussed on Eddie's blog) a little Alice in Wonderland, even less Into the Wild and of course several real-life (at least I think they actually happened...) events of Moe.Down X. I'm going to start writing it first thing tomorrow because I'm busy tonight. While I'm working on it, should I put up some of it on my blog? Oh Domo, domo arigato Mr. Roboto. In my gratitude, you will be immortalized in fiction.

There is nothing as lucky, as easy or free

I can't exactly pinpoint when my perception of crying changed most recently because it's shifted so many times throughout my (and everyone else's) life. A baby usually wails through the first moments of life, after leaving the dark, warm, comfortable place it occupied for 9 months or so to a world blindingly bright, cold and sterile. Adjusting, he or she must unconsciously struggle to fill the lungs with air to get oxygen in and figure out what exactly is going on, a process much simpler while in the womb. First lesson on Earth: bawling demands attention. Even if only to maintain sanity, no hearing human being can sit through an infant's ear-splitting howls without seeking a way to just make it stop. It is the only real method of communication at this point. Soon the child learns to speak and motives begin to change. Powerfully sobbing tells others you fell off your bike or you really wanted the giant, bouncing ball in the store. It's learned quickly that tears don't always happen spontaneously but you can also stop or start at will. This is especially helpful to get siblings in trouble. The early years of schooling teach that gender plays a part in this display of feeling. Girls can cry because they are considered fragile, emotional and weaker. Boys crying in public is an invitation for laughter and name-calling from fellow males. Of course this varies depending on different cultures and the way parents raise children.
When I was 13, my Nana died. I was alone because I'd stayed home "sick" from school that day with mysterious (but hardly rare) stomach discomfort. My mom had called to tell me and I can't remember what my initial reaction was but I didn't cry. I thought well, that must've been the reason the day felt different. Even though she was 85 and had been in hospital for two weeks, I was genuinely surprised. To me, that situation meant nothing because every breath she had taken stemmed from endurance. Having been given last rites multiple times (including once when my dad was about 7), her spirit had seemed more powerful than death. I felt guilt for not crying. By this age, I had been conditioned to shut out emotions and push them elsewhere in an attempt to avoid the pain. Tears only meant crueler taunting or feeling embarrassment for showing vulnerability. I wasn't male but I wasn't delicate. Her wake was the first and only time I'd seen my father, and possibly any man, cry. My whole world had changed in that moment. With this abrupt disruption and her open casket in view, I bawled hard but as silently as possible, hiding my face in my father's dark suit. During times that crying would be socially accepted and even expected, I wouldn't or couldn't. My mother would cry during episodes of 'Touched By an Angel' or during yet another reading the story of the birthday balloon (now I guess I'll have to tell that one here soon). Something in me wasn't going to allow it.
Maybe after living with Taryn for so many years, that something broke down in me. A few years ago, on a day that I had to be certain all my emotions were in order, she found me blubbering in our living room while watching an Avril Lavigne video. Now, my eyes could water during an emotional point in a film, seeing something exceptionally beautiful or when hearing a heart-wrenching story. Normally, I'm not overcome when I'm sad but when I'm frustrated or feeling trapped by an adverse situation. I feel the emotion run through and come over me, energy that can only be sensed but not analyzed or perceived. I still don't cry very often. But when I do, I know that something powerful has gripped me that I can't just explain or reason away. It must be meaningful when it has been transmitted through that most inherent of communications. I suppose it still is embarrassing, depending on the circumstances but I've no choice but to accept it.

All I want

I wouldn't say I'm irresponsible but sometimes I just follow exactly how I feel rather than doing what I know I should. I'd like to think that those rash choices lead to the best possible outcomes but there is no way of knowing that for certain. I woke up after only one hit of the snooze button to get ready to attend my one obligation of the week. Every piece of me rebelled as I brushed my teeth. What had started out as an amusing way to use my time for a good cause had become something I no longer looked forward to anymore. Although some may disagree with this belief, I can rarely hold a position that I don't enjoy. I've learned ways to entertain myself through mundane activities (singing, making up back-stories for the strangers I see, etc.) but when it becomes unbearable I feel no guilt in leaving because it always feels right. I was in my own reality on the subway, grooving to an extraordinary playlist provided by an apparently mood-sensing shuffle on my ipod, when I could swear it stopped at the same station twice. If there were two 42nd St-Times Squares, I don't really think that the city could handle it. It was strange but it's almost becoming a common thought in my mind that when I know I'm awake, I could maybe be dreaming and some of the worst dreams are the ones where you are at work. I got to my destination 20 minutes early so I decided to waste some time walking around and exploring the area I'm not familiar with. In that short time, I'd gotten surprisingly far away so in an instant I made the decision not to turn back, but keep walking. With no real destination, I leisurely strolled, looking around at designer stores and cafes. I had intended to go to a certain park but accidentally came to another first. Entering, I saw a group of men seated in a circle with their carts and large bags together and they looked as if they were planning a game, maybe chess. Directly to the left of the group was a police officer casually leaning against a fence, glancing in their direction often without staring. It must take months of police academy to master that skill. I continued to walk, for this section was mostly empty and desolate, not at all what I was longing for. The path opened up and suddenly there was a massive fountain in my view. I had been on a journey for something beautiful. A few people were sitting inside of the basin of the fountain (there were parts that were dry) but I sat in a bench in the shade between an older man and a teenage boy. The Dead and then Joni Mitchell played in the background of my thoughts. Two small boys both dressed in superman costumes rode their bicycles with the training wheels still on. Even the superheroes needed to stop every once in a while to get a snack from a mom's purse full of necessities. A grandmother pushed a carriage in my direction and I looked down at the child. Her eyes met mine and she flashed an innocent, unembarrassed huge gummy directly at me. I smiled back and thought 'shouldn't every interaction with a human be this pure?'. Seconds later, a woman pushed an elderly man past me in a wheelchair. His eyes were looking upward, wide and almost straining to take in each countless leaf of every tree surrounding us with an unflinching grin plastered on his face.

Go stare into a cloud

Well look at that, I'm back on Blogger. I had a summer fling with Tumblr because I just wanted to look at pretty pictures and read quotes but not write very much content. After seeing that three of my favorite people (dean, nick, & eddie) now have blogs, i was inspired to start back up and begin anew.
I've been told I should blog about a specific subject. It's hard for me to find a narrow focus because everyday I'm inspired by something new or random. So what you can expect to read about here? It won't exactly be a diary because I've been secretly handwriting those since 1998. I guess it will range from dreams & nightmares I've managed to scribble down before they're erased by the morning light, stories about interesting folks I've seen out on the concrete, beautiful memories that my mind has managed to keep awake through to the present and much more I can't even begin to imagine. My focus of my last blog was to capture the moments of beauty I experience because they can be so easily forgotten and also point out how hilarious life can be. I don't know if I always stayed true to that mission so this time I won't really have one.
This was a little intro and I'd love to read suggestions, thoughts, anything you might feel the need to say so leave comments whenever you feel compelled to. Real entry coming soon (like probably in a few hours).

I had the lonely child’s habit of making up stories and holding conversations with imaginary persons, and I think from the very start my literary ambitions were mixed up with the feeling of being isolated and undervalued. I knew that I had a facility with words and a power of facing unpleasant facts, and I felt that this created a sort of private world in which I could get my own back for my failure in everyday life.

— George Orwell, Why I Write